


TJ & Cyrus Broke Up

by theobligatedklutz



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Angst, Artist TJ Kippen, BAMF Cyrus Goodman, Breaking Up & Making Up, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Getting Back Together, High School, Jefferson High, M/M, Minor Buffy Driscoll/Marty, Minor Cyrus Goodman/Lester, Minor Injuries, Minor Jonah Beck/Andi Mack, Minor TJ Kippen/Walker Brodsky, Minor Violence, Pining, Reed and Cyrus are enemies in this, Reed is a jerk, Reed needs his own warning, like what are words now, minor jandi and muffy and talker, minor mention of smoking, more angst than fluff but REALLY good fluff, teenagers being teenagers, this is way too long, warning: swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2019-06-13
Packaged: 2020-05-07 07:12:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19204450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theobligatedklutz/pseuds/theobligatedklutz
Summary: “I still love you.”For a moment, it was like someone hit the pause button on the crappy indie flick that was his life. He felt his heart stutter at those words and his lips trembled at the prospect of saying them back because of how strongly he still felt them in his soul.---Or the one where TJ and Cyrus broke up -and how they got back together.





	TJ & Cyrus Broke Up

 

_Did you hear?_

_Did you hear?_

_Did you hear?_

 

_TJ and Cyrus broke up._

 

The rumour mill at Jefferson High was like a crocodile waiting underwater, waiting, waiting for the right time to lunge at a feeble prey. And this time around, that prey was Cyrus.

 

And _not_ TJ. TJ was a hotshot, the golden boy. No pesky rumour could ever stain his clean cut image. Even now, when he felt nothing but anger towards him, he couldn't hate TJ. That's what made Cyrus pathetic; the fact that TJ had hurt him but he couldn't think of his ex as anything less than perfection.

 

Here's the thing though, TJ was far from perfect. Cyrus got to see that up close and personal in their relationship of one year and three months. TJ snored and he had bad friends... _Reed_. He snorted when he laughed and his room was always messy. His dad smoked behind his mother's back because _Tom, smoking is going to kill you one day_. Which that: Mrs. Kippen nagged and made really good cookies and TJ knew how much Cyrus loved those cookies and brought them for lunch when he could- TJ made him laugh and threw an arm around him when he felt unsafe or uncomfortable and it was like a flip of a switch because just that simple gesture gave Cyrus the confidence to smile and talk amongst TJ's high end friends. It made him feel like one of _them_.

 

Even thinking about it now made Cyrus want to cry until no tears were left. He was in pain. So much pain that it made him tired in his bones and coloured his vision black and white.

 

And TJ?

 

TJ was a good boyfriend, a good best friend, a good friend. A comedian. A safety net. A shoulder to cry on.

 

_Until he wasn’t._

 

Cyrus must’ve been severely disillusioned if he thought that TJ Kippen was all of the things he’d ever wanted.

 

_I heard TJ cheated on him._

_No, it was Cyrus who cheated._

_Are you kidding? I heard TJ just had enough of him and called it quits._

 

You see, nobody really knew what the story was except the people that hung out in TJ’s circle and why would those people ever let the truth out? Why would they ever make TJ look bad? That would be common decency and Cyrus didn’t think they had that in their blood. No, they wouldn’t say anything which left Cyrus to be the one with mud on his shoes. He was the one who had to pay and he was the one who would have ugly rumours and gossip spread against him. But if Cyrus was good at anything, he was good at pretending like none of that bothered him.

 

Though, he wondered how much longer he could keep that up. When would he lose himself? Had he already lost himself?

 

+++++++

 

Cyrus had cried until all that came were dry sobs, nothing left in the tank to pour out.

 

In school, there was a hard shell around him and he would snap at anyone who even looked at him the wrong way. If he wasn’t doing it then his best friends were. It wasn’t the words or hearsay from a bunch of dimwitted teenagers that bothered him, it was the way TJ looked back at him when he walked in late to class every morning. Like he was dissecting every little line on his face and every strand of his hair, like he knew exactly what Cyrus was going through. TJ was making a mockery of him and it had always been so obvious. _Why hadn’t he seen it before?_

 

When Leslie walked into his room that Saturday and found Cyrus sitting at the end of his bed with tears spilling down his face, she wanted to break down the Kippens’ door and knock some sense into that blonde demon. _How could he hurt her boy and get away with it?_ Instead, she sat down next to him and wrapped him up in her arms, carding her fingers through his hair as she told him the words that he needed to hear all along.

 

_“Breakups happen. Cy, hun, he wasn’t everything. He was just something. Your life isn’t over. Don’t make him think it is.”_

 

Then she stuck a little heart shaped sticky note in the palm of his hand and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

 

On the pink tinted piece of paper, in soft cursive writing were the words,

 

**Beginnings always hide themselves in ends.**

 

++++++++

 

It had been a week now and people still looked up when he walked by, whispering false accusations into the air and staring him down like he was an outlaw. Maybe he was for loving someone who had never felt the same way about him. His crime was being an idiot and thinking that someone like him would ever belong with someone like TJ.

 

Cyrus’ first mistake was being an open book. He had always been so trusting, laying down all his cards and wearing his heart on his sleeve and letting anyone and everyone exploit his emotions.

 

_“Sometimes I wish that the sun would never come up. We could sit here forever and look at the stars together. We’d have so much time.”_

 

Cyrus had said those words to TJ at exactly 12:09 a.m. on the second Thursday of October. He remembers because there was supposed to be a meteor shower at 12:11 and TJ had come knocking on his door with licorice and chocolate covered raisins, wearing the stupidest cat onesie Cyrus had ever laid his eyes on.

 

 _“What are you doing here? And what are you_ wearing _?”_

 

_“You  don’t remember? There’s a meteor shower tonight! You’re the one who told me about it.” TJ raised a brow at him._

 

_“You...you remembered?” Cyrus had looked up with glassy eyes. He was in his star speckled pajamas and TJ’s Jefferson High basketball hoodie, already ready to climb up on his roof and look at the stars alone. He had wanted to invite TJ -- why wouldn’t he want to? Showering stars spelled romance for god’s sake! -- but Reed had laughed at him and shut down the notion immediately at lunch last week, and TJ had done nothing to stop him. So Cyrus had decided against inviting TJ. It was a stupid idea anyway. At least, he thought TJ would think it was stupid._

 

_“Of course, I remember. I wasn’t about to let you have all the fun.” TJ smiled down at him, grabbing his hand and pulling him up the stairs and into his room. “Come on, I don’t wanna miss it.”_

 

_“You won’t, Theo. You’re an hour early.”_

 

_TJ looked back at him, a tenderness to his eyes. “I know.”_

 

See even if Cyrus went back into the past and told his naive self _don’t do it,_  it would’ve happened. Past Cyrus would’ve _still_ fallen in love with TJ. He still would’ve kissed him and swayed with him in the silence and soft lights of his room before being interrupted by-

 

_“Cy, hun, if I come to check, your door better not be closed.”_

 

 _“_ Mom _!”_

 

 _They had crawled out of the window and Cyrus had perched away from TJ, he didn’t wanna push his luck. For all he knew, TJ could still think all of this was_ lame _like Reed had but TJ wrapped an arm around his waist, pulling him against his side and pushing a blanket over Cyrus’ legs._

 

_“You’ll catch a cold.”_

 

“Can I talk to you?”

 

Just like that, the memory scattered like a kaleidoscope of butterflies, his textbooks landed all over the floor and he almost punched the owner of that voice.

 

“No.” Cyrus said as calmly as he could. _Don’t let him get to you. Don’t let him think he affects you._ He slammed his locker door and leaned down to pick up his Chemistry and Philosophy textbooks off the ground. TJ followed, helping him gather loose paper.

 

“Don’t touch my stuff. Better yet, just stay away from me.” Cyrus hissed, looking up sharply and stumbling into a pool of apologetic green.

 

That was Cyrus’ second mistake. He was crazy about TJ’s eyes. The way they reacted to things, the way they softened, the way they spilled over colours on a sunny day. They trapped you and refused to let you go.

 

“Cy, please. Just hear me out. You’ve been avoiding me for a week. You won't answer any of my texts or calls. You won’t let me speak to you. Andi and Buffy don’t let me near you. Just please-"

 

“My name is Cyrus. _Call me by it_.” He pulled the sheets of papers from TJ’s hands, being careful to avoid TJ’s fingers as he did, before pushing himself up. “And I have nothing I wanna hear. _You made your choice._  I don’t need you to rub it in.”

 

“Cy, just let me-”

 

“Stop calling me that! You lost your right.” He snapped as he pushed passed TJ, ready to sprint to class just to get away from this conversation. He knew he was being a brat, he was being irrational. Maybe he should listen- No! TJ was the issue. He’d made peace with that. He wasn’t going back. Ok, he hadn’t entirely made peace with that but he was beginning to and he really didn’t need TJ messing up his progress.

 

Before Cyrus could leave, run away, TJ clasped a hand around his wrist. Cyrus wanted to push him away, scream at him to let go but he stopped in his tracks when he heard the next words.

 

“I still love you.”

 

For a moment, it was like someone hit the pause button on the crappy indie flick that was his life. He felt his heart stutter at those words and his lips trembled at the prospect of saying them back because of how strongly he still felt them in his soul.

 

A harsh quiet followed and he looked up to see that the only few people standing around in the hallways had their eyes turned to the two of them, waiting for something to happen. _Waiting for a good show._ Why was it always a show with TJ Kippen? Always a damn spectacle! Like Cyrus was a marionette just there to entertain the masses. Well, no more, this puppet was cutting his own strings.

 

“I hate you.” Cyrus bit out and fueled by anger, his words even sounded real to him.

 

With stinging tears gathering in the corners of his eyes, he shook away TJ’s grip and walked away, begging the universe that TJ didn’t follow him. He didn’t know if he could keep his wall up if he did. TJ’s words were magic and they melted ice. It was pathetic how afraid Cyrus was of TJ’s soft words, like they had the power to control him. But he didn’t wanna listen, he wished he could go deaf to TJ’s voice.

 

++++++

 

**Things used to be good once upon a time.**

 

"He's staring at you again."

 

Cyrus looked up from his math homework. The subject was next period and he was close to cracking the last problem on his worksheet. Really, it was his fault. He'd come home after drama club last night and collapsed onto his bed with an intent to never wake up again. Now, he was stuck finishing his work at lunch with the bustling noise of the cafeteria around him and his lunch untouched on the tray in front of him.

 

Buffy nodded over to the table of basketball players and Cyrus didn't even have to look over to see who she was glaring at.

 

TJ Kippen.

 

The captain of the boys' basketball team, posh and proper, varsity jacket wearing, sports car driving cliché Kippen.

 

"Could you look over my work for question 31?" He said as he slipped Buffy his worksheet.

 

She sighed, exasperation dripping off her in waves. "Is that your way of saying you couldn't care less or are you just ignoring the fact that he stares at you in all hours of school?"

 

"I'm not ignoring it, I'm just waiting for the right moment to corner him about it. He's always with his friends and the last thing I want is for them to make me some target."

 

The players weren't exactly known to be nice. Well, he hadn't ever seen TJ get into a fight or harass anyone. If anything, he was a good guy. One of the best. Cyrus had once had him as a partner for a science lab and TJ was actually a pretty decent guy.

Buffy personally didn't like him because he was always finding ways to beat her at something. In middle school, it was the basketball team. In high school, it was cross country. Initially, Cyrus thought that maybe TJ liked Buffy and was figuratively 'pulling her pigtails' but that train of thought was quickly diminished when he started a short lived relationship with some guy named Walker Brodsky freshman year. A guy. TJ had never really kept it a secret that he was gay but it still came as a surprise. Cyrus liked to think that more of the reason for his surprise was that it wasn't Reed that TJ had started dating.

Reed and TJ were stuck to the hip constantly and sometimes, they acted like they were more than just best friends. Cyrus had never really understood why TJ was so close to the boy because Reed McGavin was the biggest jerk in existence and he had a personal vendetta against Cyrus since middle school. Cyrus didn't even get why, he had never looked at Reed the wrong way, let alone touch him, but Reed acted like Cyrus kicked his dog or something.

 

"Good luck with that. He's always with his posse, it's the dumbest thing."

 

"Ah, I’m always with you guys. Is that dumb too?”

 

“You know what I mean, dummy.”

 

“Lighten up, Buff." Cyrus laughed, grabbing a fry from her tray. Buffy pouted and swatted at his hands which just made him laugh louder.

 

"What's so funny?"

 

Cyrus waved at Andi as she put down her tray and backpack.

 

"The fact that Buffy is a sourpuss."

 

"Oh, psh, we been knew."

 

"Oh my God, can you leave the gross gen z jargon outside the cafeteria doors?" Cyrus scrunched up his nose, sticking out his tongue when Andi threw him a glare.

 

His eyes caught the sharp green of a Jefferson High varsity jacket behind Andi and he realized too late that it belonged to Kippen. His gaze connected with TJ’s and then he couldn’t stop staring.

 

The group of them sat near the window and the sunlight hit TJ's blonde hair in an angle where it made it look like he had a halo. The greens of his eyes were brighter too and all of a sudden, Cyrus felt stuck like he couldn't look away. Then, TJ was smiling at him and winking-- _he winked at Cyrus_ and that broke the spell as Cyrus looked back down at his work, his cheeks growing hot.

 

"So it does bother you." Buffy said, nibbling on a piece of her apple.

 

"Stop watching me for a reaction, you creep." He said, shoving against her shoulder.

 

"Hey, I'm watching your back."

 

It was almost the end of lunch when Cyrus noticed TJ again, holding his lunch tray and walking alone towards the trash cans at the far corner of the cafeteria and Cyrus told Buffy and Andi to watch his stuff as he sped walked towards him.

 

"Why do you keep staring at me?"

 

That was the thing that decided to slip out of his mouth the minute he stood in front of TJ. _Not a hi or a hello, what the hell, Cyrus?!!_

 

TJ jumped slightly, turning towards Cyrus, the smile back on his face. _Was TJ always this hot?-- Shut up!_

 

"Uh, hey Cyrus."

 

"Hi." Cyrus said, scratching at his neck. _Wait, TJ knew his name???_

 

"Ms. Colinsworth asked us to draw something we...appreciate. Right, yeah, something we appreciate and I, um, decided to draw you." TJ answered, his smile drifted on and off like a flickering light bulb and it made it that much harder for Cyrus to focus on what TJ was saying. _How could someone smile like twelve different ways --_ at least, that's the amount Cyrus had managed to count -- _wait what? ‘Decided to draw you.’_

 

"Come again?"

 

TJ dug through his back pocket, pulling out a crumpled napkin. He proceeded to straighten it out before handing it to Cyrus. "I decided to draw you."

 

Cyrus' mouth fell open.

 

On the centre of the napkin sat a roughly drawn figure, a boy, intricate little lines sketched out to show the focus on the boy's face and his position. He sat with his face resting in the palm of his hand as he wrote down something in his notebook. It was unmistakable, the doe brown eyes, the little birthmark on his cheek, the way he sat almost curled up like he was at home napping. The sketch was of him. TJ had drawn him out, leaving no detail of his face and hair untouched.

 

"You're...a really good artist." Cyrus said as he looked back up at TJ and immediately felt himself freeze. He could've been completely delusional, maybe he imagined it, maybe he was just not over the initial shock of this turn of events, but he could've sworn TJ Kippen was looking at him with this tenderness that Cyrus had only ever seen Marty show Buffy. No, wait, his mom looked at his stepdad with that same soft look.

 

He shoved the napkin back into TJ's hands and stepped away from him. "Yeah, that's great. Like super great. Just please stop staring. It's getting creepy. Okay, gotta go, bye." And the way Cyrus sprinted to get away from the boy would’ve put Buffy Driscoll to shame. TJ stood there, looking after him with sad confusion on his face.

 

_No, nope. Out of your league, Goodman. Keep your head down._

 

**

 

"So you did tell Kippen to stop staring, right?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"He's staring again."

 

Cyrus sighed. They were sitting in the library, spending free period trying to get their Biology project done and Cyrus didn't need this right now.

 

He looked towards TJ’s directions and Buffy hadn’t lied, TJ was staring at him and he wasn’t even being subtle about it anymore. Cyrus hadn't really looked his way since the incident last Friday and if he was being honest, he was a little scared to see TJ in fear of imagining that look on the his face again. That look like...Like Cyrus meant something to him. He couldn't handle the mind trick again or maybe it was a trick of the light -- it didn’t matter what it was -- what he did know was that it was _not_ real. He was not about to let something imaginary like TJ smiling at him with his whole damn face give him a heart attack again.

 

"He's alone. Go talk to him and tell him to stop being a stalker. Do you want me to come with?"

 

"No, Buffy. Keep your tush on that chair. I don't want us kicked out of the library _again_ because you can't control your temper." Cyrus hissed at her, throwing her the glue stick and gesturing for her to continue sticking up the microscopy imaging he had printed out on his dad's special colour printer.

 

"TJ, we talked about this." He approached TJ, quietly slipping into the chair in front of him.

 

"Wow, so that's what my name sounds like coming from you." TJ said as he shut his sketchbook, grinning up at Cyrus.

 

"Uh, what does that mean?"

 

"Nothing. Look, I need to get my assignment done. I’m just getting all the details. You get it. You’ve had Colinsworth. She's a hard marker."

 

"Yeah, I took this course last term. I just- I don't exactly remember this specific assignment, you know. Do you mind- do you mind if I see it? The assignment I mean."

 

Cyrus did remember and well, if he didn't, he hadn't spent all Saturday digging through hoards of past school work in his grimy, stuffy attic for nothing. Colinsworth had never given an assignment where they had to draw something they appreciated. He had looked for the term appreciated, he had even looked up synonyms in case TJ paraphrased. He found nothing. Nada. The only assignment that even came close to what TJ mentioned was _draw someone you love or admire._

 

"Um...it's a new assignment. I left the instructions at home today though. Maybe I can show you another time?"

 

"Colinsworth doesn't change her curriculum. She's asked for the same stuff for the past five years. Timothy-- you know that dude who works at Shadeside Cafe?-- had her five years ago, same assignments, same everything. So I don't think she'd give you a new assignment. Either you're lying to me about which assignment you're doing or you're lying to me, period, and the art thing is just an excuse to be a creep."

 

TJ's eyes widened and for a minute, he opened and shut his mouth like a fish out of water, silence following. “Why do you even know that Timothy had art with Colinsworth?”

 

Cyrus ignored that question for what it was, a misdirect, and narrowed his eyes towards the blonde.

 

"What game are you playing, Kippen? The ‘let's make Goodman uncomfortable’ game? I know Reed loves that one." Cyrus hissed, keeping his voice to a harsh calm because the last thing he needed was an uptight librarian on his back when he was reaching a revelation about cute boy Kippen: that he was a jerk and Cyrus had really fooled himself thinking that not all the Jefferson jocks were bad eggs. He couldn't believe that he had really thought TJ was telling the truth, that he appreciated Cyrus. _Like hell!_ Cyrus stood up abruptly from his chair when TJ stayed quiet, anger simmering just underneath his skin.

 

"No!" TJ exclaimed, pushing out of his chair to grab Cyrus' hand.

 

"Shhhh." Cyrus whisper-yelled, looking around to see if they'd been caught. They were in the clear. For now.

 

"It's this one." TJ gulped, handing him a piece of paper that he had pulled out of his binder.

 

Cyrus knew these words.

 

_Sketch out someone you love or admire. Pay attention to details for full marks and provide a picture for evaluation. In a small paragraph, explain why you love/admire them. (20 marks)_

 

"What?"

 

"I'm sorry. I'll stop bothering you, I promise. Just don't hate me." TJ said, a jitteriness now sinking into his actions as he pulled the sheet back into his binder, out of view and shoving it in his backpack along with his sketching pencils and just as he was about to push his sketchbook into his bag to pack up and leave, Cyrus grabbed it up and flipped it open.

 

"Hey!" TJ hissed trying to snatch it back but Cyrus stood up with the sketchbook in hand, taking a step away from TJ's reach as he flipped through the book.

 

A bowl of fruit. A building. Some trees. Another bowl of fruit. A cactus. Cyrus eating fries. Cyrus laughing with his friends. Cyrus at his locker. Cyrus scribbling in his notebook at lunch. Cyrus. Cyrus. Cyrus. Cy-

 

And TJ had finally just decided to get up, snapping the sketchbook closed before pulling it out of Cyrus' hands, lodging it under his arm and holding it tightly against his side.

 

"You needed _one_ sketch." Cyrus said as he finally looked up at TJ. He wondered how he had said the words so calmly when he was screaming and panicking inside. _Why was TJ Kippen so interested in him? This had to end up bad... This was a joke._

 

"I wanted to have options." TJ replied, a small apologetic smile on his face. _But that smile seemed so genuine..._

 

“So I’m guessing it’s not the ‘admire’ part you’re drawing for?” Cyrus asked, a small nervous smile crossing his face.

 

“I’m drawing for both parts.”

 

Cyrus couldn’t help but laugh at that. _What a joke!_

 

"You couldn't've just asked me out like a normal person?" Cyrus joked, shifting from foot to foot, chuckling self-deprecatingly.

 

"Would you have said yes?" TJ asked, a hopefulness in the lines of his face and Cyrus’ laughs turned into coughs. _He was serious? What the fu-_

 

“Are you okay? Do you need water?” TJ asked, grabbing up his water bottle from his backpack and pushing it towards Cyrus.

 

“You're serious? I thought we were done playing games…” The annoyance was clear in Cyrus’ voice now as he swatted away TJ’s hand. TJ froze for a millisecond before catching up to what Cyrus was on about.

 

“Yes, Cyrus. I’m 100% serious. I want to go out with you.”

 

"No."

 

TJ's face fell just as quick. "No?"

 

"I'm out of your league. You have the worst friends. I feel uncomfortable in big crowds of people, especially when I'm eating lunch, you have the worst friends, you're best friends with Reed, Reed, oh did I say _Reed_? Also, Buffy and Andi aren't your biggest fans. And they're my best friends so..."

 

“Okay, it doesn’t look good for me but just give me a chance. The minute it goes south, you end it.”

 

++++++

 

It didn’t go south for a year and a whole month. For Cyrus, that was important. Because a lot of things had gone south in lesser time. His first relationship had: Iris Young. That’s when he had realized he was gay and he had to break the heart of the girl that was more than perfect for him, a girl who, dare he say, was made for him. His second relationship had gone downhill on its own: Lester Callister. Lester was never really dating him because he wanted to date him. He had asked Cyrus out because Reed had made a bet with him. _“You couldn’t get a date with Cyrus Goodman if you tried.”_

 

Well, Lester proved him wrong because not only did Lester date Cyrus but he fooled him for a good two months. When Cyrus found out, he broke Lester’s nose after he apologized and had the audacity to tell Cyrus that _“it started off like that but I really started liking you, Cyrus. Please gimme another chance.”_ And then, even with the amount of embarrassment running through Cyrus’ veins, he stomped up to Reed at his table and emptied his water bottle over his blonde head, reveling in Reed’s freakout of _“My hair! My hair! Fu-”_

 

The part that really surprised Cyrus was the way Reed had tried to punch him as rebuttal but TJ had stepped up behind Reed and held him back, saying “You deserved it, McGavin” in the most murderous, deadliest voice Cyrus had ever heard. He even proceeded to look at Cyrus with something akin to empathy and protectiveness.

 

Cyrus hadn’t cried himself for days on end. No! He hadn’t. _“Shut up, Buffy, I don’t want ice cream! I'm not sad. Lester was a mistake anyway. I’m over it.”_

 

There were a series of reasons why Cyrus absolutely could not stand Reed. One being Lester. But that wasn’t the start, that was the finishing _blow_. The start was the oatmeal incident. In middle school, Reed had filled Cyrus’ locker with dry oatmeal. He had emptied freaking _industrial sized bags_ right into his locker. When Cyrus had opened his locker, in his haste to get to class, he had drowned himself in oatmeal. He fell to the floor from the impact and for days, he found little fragments of oats in his textbooks and backpack and in his rain coat. He even found oatmeal in his ear. It was a nightmare to get rid of and by the end, he was fuming.

 

Another time, Reed had walked out of the boys’ bathroom with a blackeye and had told the principle that Cyrus had done it. Even though Cyrus wished he had, he wasn’t the one who landed the punch. But he did get in trouble for it; he had detention for two weeks for the unproven claim of getting into a fight with Reed.

 

Cyrus withstood all of his stupid shit, he did it with little to no tantrum but Lester had been the last straw. After that, Cyrus had just downright stopped being civil and he pulled his punches. Reed only got worse with his tactics. He constantly cornered Cyrus at his locker like a commercial bully, calling him derogatory terms and attempting to scare him but Cyrus was not having it. Neither was Buffy or Andi because when they were around, Reed didn’t dare approach him. He sometimes wondered what his best friends had done to actually scare Reed off because Cyrus obviously needed to learn that very same approach.

 

After Cyrus started dating TJ, it was like iron sat on Reed’s sharp tongue crushing it with its weight. Cyrus felt powerful for once, he felt like he had taken a throne without even trying. His mistake for thinking he was on top of the world.

 

Most of TJ’s friends were pretty cool and Cyrus had immediately hit it off with one of TJ’s childhood friends, Jonah Beck. Jonah also immediately went gaga for Andi, constantly walking her to class and joining her for lunch. Andi wasn’t subtle either, she responded with absolute positivity when Jonah was showering her with compliments and you often found the two of them sitting in some corner, having quiet conversation and laughing like they were the only ones who existed.

 

Mostly everyone was great _but_ _Reed_.

Reed still found any little detail to make fun of when it came to Cyrus and even with TJ constantly glaring at him and telling him to shut the hell up, he found ways to get under Cyrus’ skin.

 

Often times that’s what Cyrus fought TJ about.

 

_“Why the hell does he hang off you like you guys are the ones dating?”_

 

_“Cyrus, you have nothing to be insecure about, we’re just friends.”_

 

_“I’m not insecure! It’s the fact that he’s doing it on purpose. He wants me to be jealous!”_

 

_“Are you?”_

 

_“Yes!”_

 

_“Then, you’re letting him win.” TJ chuckled._

 

_\----_

 

_“Why can’t you sit with Buffy and Andi and me at our table for once?”_

 

_“Cy, you know I can’t. Sitting at my table is...important.”_

 

 _“No, it’s not. It’s a Reed thing. Reed_ makes _you think it’s important. It’s not.”_

 

_“Don’t start with that again, Cyrus.”_

 

_\-----_

 

But then their fights escalated. They became more than just about Reed.

 

_“I needed you there, TJ! But you were too busy hanging out with your friends!”_

 

_“I’m sorry! I’ll make it up to you.”_

 

 _“What the hell will you do_ now _?! My aunt_ died _and I asked you to attend Shiva. It was important to me. I needed you there. You didn’t come. I shouldn’t have expected anything from you anyway!”_

 

Reed had already seen how crippled TJ and Cyrus’ relationship was and he played his last card in the month of March. It was break and TJ had invited a bunch of his basketball pals, their plus ones and Cyrus and his friends to his parent’s cabin for a party.

 

Reed’s starting play was a crisp $20 bill to Kira.

 

“Go dance with TJ and this money is your’s, K.”

 

Kira shoved Reed, snatched the money from his hand and strutted towards the basketball captain.

 

Cyrus stood leaning against the wall with TJ standing over him, an arm resting next to Cyrus’ head as they talked. TJ wisped away a stray strand of hair from his boyfriend’s forehead and Cyrus took a sip of his drink, hiding the shy smile on his face.

 

Kira came in, all swaying hips and bobbing head, and pulled TJ away from Cyrus and proceeded towards the dance floor like she hadn’t seen Cyrus at all. Reed felt a pang of guilt at the look on Cyrus’ face when Kira stood uncomfortably close to TJ but it went away as quickly as it had come. _All was fair in love and war._

 

Cyrus bit his lip, holding back his anger, before setting his drink down and watching the two from his perch against the wall. He swallowed when Kira whispered something in TJ’s ear, giggling and stumbling closer into TJ and he didn’t pull away from her. _TJ was his own person, he could handle it, he could-_

 

“What the hell, Kira!”

 

Cyrus looked up at that and TJ was walking past a startled Kira, a look of annoyance on his face.

 

“You okay?” Cyrus asked, watching TJ. The irritation hadn’t dispersed from his face when he finally reached Cyrus, grabbing his boyfriend's hand. “Sorry about that.”

 

Reed’s next play was a game of Truth and Dare and when TJ finally _finally_ picked truth, Reed asked him the question that would hammer the final nail in the coffin.

 

“What were you doing the day of Cyrus’ aunt’s shiva, TJ?”

 

Cyrus’ head jerked up so quickly Reed thought he heard a snap. His eyes were wide and afraid like he realized he’d been lied to even before TJ said a word.

 

TJ had gone white as a sheet, his breath frozen in his lungs. He glared at Reed. “I was at a party.”

 

“Which party?” Reed asked, grinning at TJ and fishing for just the answer that would send Cyrus Goodman spiraling. TJ looked murderous now, his hands balling into fists at his side.

 

“Your’s.”

 

Cyrus knocked over his drink on Mrs. Kippen's expensive white carpet in his haste to get up and get away and TJ stumbled after him.

 

Everyone heard the fight that took place outside after TJ followed Cyrus out.

 

_“-rus!”_

 

_“You’re just a selfish prick! You only care about yourself and what makes you look good and what you want! Well, I’m sorry I stopped you. You’re free to do whatever the hell you want!”_

 

_“Cyrus, you never fucking listen to a word I’m saying. Just listen this once-”_

 

_“There is nothing left to listen to! Nothing!”_

 

 _“Reed was right! If it’s not your way then it’s no way! You always think you’re right! Well, guess what, Goodman? You’re not! And what? You don’t think you care about your rep? Yeah, you do._ That’s why you fucking said yes to me! _”_

 

And then there was silence. So much silence, it was suffocating.

 

**_._ **

**_._ **

**_._ **

**_._ **

 

_“You’re right.”_

 

Silence. Silence so heavy that anybody who had heard the screaming match between TJ and Cyrus knew that right now TJ was regretting his words to Cyrus because everything he had spouted was out of anger and none of it was true. Cyrus had never wanted to go out with TJ because of who he was, he wanted to go out with him for his sweet smiles, his incredible art, his witty one-liners, his goofiness, and his comforting hugs and his warmth and his need to remember all the little dorky things about Cyrus. That’s what he loved. _That’s what Cyrus Goodman had fallen in love with._

 

The divine move of the night was the prank Reed set up near Cyrus’ car and when the boy, a storm of anger and wiped tears, stepped up to his blue honda, he pushed at a tripwire and opened the doors to hell. A tub, tucked up on a branch of a tree near the car, tumbled over and soaked Cyrus from head to toe in a gallon of beer. That was the dirt thrown over the coffin, burying him six feet under. The mocking laughter of partygoers at Cyrus’ expense, the look of horror on TJ’s face as he watched the whole thing happen and his step of pity towards his boyfriend. Cyrus had had enough. That was it. But he wasn’t about to show how broken he felt quite yet. Buffy and Andi didn’t call him a ball of fire for nothing.

 

With beer filled shoes squelching against the pavement, Cyrus turned around and walked right past TJ, back towards the entrance of the house where Reed stood. Reed laughed as he leaned against the frame of the door, raising a red solo cup towards Cyrus in a mockery of a toast before he gulped it down and continued laughing.

 

Cyrus pushed his dripping strands of hair away from his face and looked at Reed with wet eyes.

 

“Why…” Cyrus cleared his dry throat, tamping down the sob that begged to leave. “Why the fuck do you hate me so much?”

 

“Because you’re bad luck.” Reed answered, stumbling over his words in his drunken haze. Cyrus wanted to laugh. Reed was drunk and he still managed to win. He still managed to not answer the question that Cyrus had asked him since the beginning: _Why do you hate me?_

 

“Okay. You win.” Cyrus said, his voice breaking at the end. “You wanted to hear me say that, right? You wanted to hear me say you win. So here I am, telling you that you fucking win. I lose. I lose. And if you can’t remember in the morning, ask your _best friend_ TJ.”

 

Then he was walking away and on his way to his car, he stopped at where TJ stood, a look of defeat and sadness and was that regret engrained in TJ's face? -- at least, that’s what Cyrus thought those things on his face were, he couldn’t really tell anymore --, and plucked TJ’s right arm from where it hung on his side.

 

He unrolled TJ’s fist, and pushed the brontosaurus pendant that TJ had given him on his birthday down into his palm. “This went south far too long ago and it’s time to take you up on your offer. I'm setting you free and you won't have to worry about _me leeching off your popularity_ anymore. I'm sorry you thought I was that shallow… Anyway, you’ve made your choice. And it’s him. And it’s your image and reputation and everything that comes with being TJ Kippen. _Not me_. We’re done. Stay away from me this time."

 

He looked up at TJ’s face and shivered in his soaked clothes and memorized the greens of TJ’s eyes so he could compare his future partners’ eyes to that colour. He knew he’d never be able to find that exact shade of green. _He knew he would never be able to find that exact shade of Kippen._

 

Cyrus stepped back, looked down at the _drip drip drip_ of beer around his feet, turned around, got into his car, drove home and got grounded for drinking and driving when he had hardly had more than a sip in all that chaos. But his mom and dad had taken one whiff of his beer doused body and told him he couldn’t use the car for six months and he was grounded for five because “ _you could’ve died Cyrus.”_

 

Nothing after that felt of ease. He ignored the frenzied buzzing of his phone, knowing Andi and Buffy were worried about him. They were probably still at the party with Jonah and Marty having the time of their lives. The last thing Cyrus wanted to do was burden them with his explosive drama. That was his thought as he turned off his phone and tossed it on his chestnut study table in the corner of the room.

 

He cried under the steady stream of the shower head. He stayed there for an hour, maybe more, sitting down on the bathroom floor and drawing out ugly sobs into the mist, knowing that nobody would hear him with the patter of the now cold water.

 

See Cyrus had never really been about the drama of high school with breakups happening left and right and girls crying because “ _he cheated on me_.” He despised it all, so much that he had vowed he would never fall into a trap where he was center stage in a relationship. How had he never realised that with TJ Kippen everything was constantly spectated? Everyone watched TJ's every move, watched every little new thing he did like date Cyrus or wear a new basketball tee. Maybe Cyrus hadn't realized he was falling into that very same trap because TJ was never _that guy_ ; the guy that felt powerful in the spotlight, he was just himself. He was so... _grounded_ that Cyrus had forgotten that he was surrounded by people that lived off of the attention, lived for the limelight. And somehow, TJ had been dragged in it as well.

 

_Oh my god-_

 

_Was he really blaming the people TJ hung out with for his mistakes?_

 

_No. No. NO. TJ made every one of his decisions. He had decided to stay friends with Reed after Reed had been nothing but a jerk and an inexcusable piece of shit._

_TJ had decided to let Reed harass Cyrus like it was okay._

 

It’s not like Cyrus couldn’t take care of himself. He could. Reed was nothing to him. But TJ had made Cyrus believe he would be okay with Reed around. _TJ had made him feel safe. And then, unsafe._

 

 _He had been the one to decide to blow off Cyrus when Cyrus had been broken after Aunt Naomi died._ He had asked TJ if he was okay to attend. He just wanted him there.

 

Aunt Naomi had been the first one Cyrus had come out to. She was special and she kept him sane when nobody else could. She had been there through the Iris drama and the Lester drama and he couldn’t bear her death alone. He wouldn’t ever have asked TJ if he could help it but _he needed his boyfriend there_.

 

There was not much Cyrus had ever asked of TJ. Even asking about whether he could attend Shiva had left Cyrus feeling guilty, like he was asking too much of him. But TJ had been so _kind_ , so open about it. He made Cyrus feel like it was something he could ask of him freely. He had promised he would come.

 

 _He had yet again put Reed first. He had gone to a_ party _. A party instead of Shiva. Reed instead of Cyrus._

 

But what hurt the most was that TJ thought that Cyrus had only been with him because of his popularity. Like he was just some shallow bimbo that wanted to go out with him for what he had. Like he was materialistic and selfish and self-centered. _Was he? Was that all TJ thought of him? Was that all Cyrus was to TJ?_

 

He shook away the thoughts as he fell onto his bed that night and he promised himself he wouldn’t think of TJ.

 

_He didn't._

 

_He did._

 

++++++++++

 

Ever since Cyrus could remember Theodore James Kippen was a good looking son of a gun. He had always been good looking, a star athlete, really good at American History and a charmer.

 

It was a common theme amongst the Kippens. TJ’s dad was “hot doctor” Kippen with his snow white teeth and hard muscles. He had been captain of the hockey team at Jefferson during his time. His mom was a twenty-four time academic decathlon winner, the valedictorian, and nobody could beat her in a debate in all her high school career and now, unsurprisingly, a successful lawyer. TJ’s older brother, Carmen, was a stud, the MVP of the century, with every girl hanging off his arm and a Harvard student as of present. So, TJ had a lot on his shoulders when it came to maintaining the family legacy.

 

_“Sometimes, I wish I could escape it all, you know what I mean? Like I could just hide under a rock with you and we could watch Spongebob reruns and eat pop tarts out of the box.”_

 

_“You can do that with me on the couch this Saturday, Theo. Yes, that’s an invitation.”_

 

_“You know that’s not what I meant.”_

 

_Cyrus sat on TJ’s bed, trying to keep his posture straight as TJ perched across from him on a chair with a pencil and his sketchbook. He’d been sitting like that for TJ for the past thirty minutes and every time he complained, TJ would go “just a few more minutes, Cy.”_

 

_“I know. It’s okay. The thing is all of this comes easy to you. People are naturally attracted to you and the way you do everything ends up being perfect anyway. You’re naturally athletic and smart and witty and cute and...unattainable.”_

 

_“Goodman, I’m going to ignore the way you just called me cute and unattainable and ask you if you really think I don’t put any hard work into everything I do?” TJ asked, feigning hurt and shock._

 

_“You little-” Cyrus made to get up to tackle TJ but TJ made a sound of disapproval, looking up sharply._

 

_“Don’t move. I’m almost done.”_

 

_After Cyrus settled back down, sticking his tongue out at TJ, he spoke again. This time, keeping his voice levelled and losing the humour in his tone._

 

_“I always thought you didn’t have to work hard for it. It was all just genes. I mean it can’t just be a coincidence that all the Kippen men are the likes of Hercules. Athletic, studs, charismatic, charming. But you proved me wrong. You work really hard and you put all your heart and soul into whatever you want and I think you’re amazing.” Cyrus finally looked up from playing with a loose thread on his jeans and noticed that TJ had put down his pencil and was watching him with a soft smile._

 

_“You’re really beautiful.”_

 

_“Oh, um. Okay, thank you.” Cyrus, caught by surprise, scratched at the back of his head -a nervous tick- as he chuckled at TJ’s words._

 

_“No. No. I’m serious, Cyrus Norman Goodman. Your beauty spills off you. Spills off the page. It’s not just the outside, it’s the inside, the pools of browns, the way you walk and talk, your words, your strength, your body language, the way you-”_

 

_“TJ, if you’re about to wax poetics, I would really appreciate it in writing.” Cyrus said, a grin crossing his face as he laughed at the way TJ got excited about complimenting him._

 

_“God, Goodman! You cannot be serious for a minute.” He flipped his book so Cyrus could see his sketch and Cyrus abruptly stopped laughing._

 

 _In forest greens and amber browns was an elaborate sketch of Cyrus chucking, the laugh lines, the crooked teeth, squinty eyes and tufts of hair and lousy body posture. Everything that made Cyrus_ Cyrus _. Cyrus should’ve been unimpressed, he was just looking at himself. He’d done that numerous times in front of the mirror in the mornings when he pulled on any shirt, nodded at himself and said “meh” at his appearance before stumbling down the stairs to catch breakfast. It was nothing new. But TJ made it anew. TJ made him look different, like he wasn’t human, like he was porcelain, flawless in all his flaws._

 

_“Theo... you gotta stop making me so...so dreamed-up.”_

 

 _“Shut up, this_ is _you. You’re the only one who’s ever insulted my sketches like that.” TJ had gotten up then, kneeling down in front of Cyrus and holding his face in his hands._

 

_“I’m not insulting you, I’m just-” Cyrus said, his hands automatically settling on top of TJ’s hands against his cheeks._

 

_“I don’t wanna hear it unless it’s ‘TJ, I look so amazing, you really did me justice.’”_

 

_“Hey! I don’t sound like that-”_

 

_He didn’t get time to complain about how high pitched TJ made his voice sound because TJ was kissing him then, sliding up on to the bed and shifting back to look at Cyrus again. “You” kiss “Are” kiss “Beautiful” kiss._

 

_Cyrus chuckled and shoved against his chest. “And you are unbelievably cheesy.”_

 

++++++

 

**Did you ever even lose me?**

 

There were only a couple of times in Cyrus’ life where he had regretted the words that came out of his mouth.

 

Telling TJ that he hated him was one of them.

 

He didn’t think he had regretted anything more. It had been a few days since he last talked to TJ and the boy in question hadn’t shown up for lunch. He wasn’t at his usual table. It was not like TJ to do something like that. But it wasn’t like Cyrus noticed. Or cared. _Whatever_.

 

The only times Cyrus saw TJ were in History and English class and the basketball captain didn’t look his way anymore. He looked down at his lap like he was ashamed and that was something Cyrus couldn’t stand. Yeah, he was mad at the dumbass but he couldn’t stand TJ looking _so broken, so sad._

 

And that had stopped him. What if TJ couldn’t stand that same look on Cyrus’ face? It wasn’t a self-centered thought, he swore, because often times when they were dating, TJ had a tendency to say out loud exactly what Cyrus was feeling for him. He remembers them sitting at The Spoon, sharing a basket of baby taters and Cyrus laughing at a dumbass dad joke TJ had just said, thinking _I love this boy_ at the exact same time that TJ looked up and murmured “I love you” in a soft, tame voice. They had similar thoughts so maybe they had similar pains?

 

The thing was though, Cyrus had made up his mind. No new revelations could bring back what was over. There was nothing else to do but move on or stay put but he couldn’t get back together with TJ because TJ had made up his mind too.

 

It didn’t matter if TJ fought him on it, his loyalty was with Reed and his loyalty was with his friends and his reputation and his need to please his family and Cyrus had no right asking him to give up on the things that were his livelihood. Thinking back on it, Cyrus had always been asking too much of TJ. TJ didn’t wanna go to some Shiva where he didn’t even know anyone, he hadn’t asked Cyrus to be a clingy jealous boyfriend and he definitely didn’t ask Cyrus to give him an ultimatum: “Reed or him.” None of that was something he signed up for and Cyrus had to set him free and so he had done it even if it hurt to his core.

 

More than that though, he couldn't get TJ's words out of his head and every time they rang in the nooks and crannies of his mind, a new wave of anger draped over his body like a needled blanket.

 

_"You don’t think you care about your rep? Yeah, you do. That’s why you fucking said yes to me!”_

 

“Hey. Can I sit?”

 

Cyrus wished he hadn’t just taken a sip of his orange juice because the coughing fit he fell into would’ve been completely avoided if he hadn’t. He looked up at Reed who held a face of mild annoyance at Cyrus’ lack of attention towards his surroundings.

 

"What happened to your eye?" Cyrus finally asked after he got his coughing under control. He really hadn’t been paying attention to Reed for the past week and a half because there were clearly healing swollen lips and a black eye decorating his face that he hadn't noticed till now.

 

" _Are you serious?_ I covered you in alcohol, planted the breakup chip, and you _still_ _care_ about what happened to my eye?" Reed asked incredulously as he set down his tray and sat down even though Cyrus hadn’t given him permission to do so. _Oh well, a school lunch table was public space anyway, he didn’t have to ask for permission. He was just trying to be polite-_

 

But of course, Cyrus noticed.

 

"I don't. I don't have time to care about you, Reed. Get lost, this table is occupied.”

 

“Yeah, well, I’ll get up when your imaginary friends show up.”

 

“Funny.”

 

“Why aren’t you mad at me? You should be infuriated. I broke you two up. I mean you’ve been dating for like forever-”

 

Cyrus fidgeted with the fork of his salad, shoving a piece of carrot in his mouth, before looking back up.

 

“I _am_ angry at you. I might hate you but you did nothing this time. I broke up with TJ because he did something. I did something. We were already broken, you didn't lend us a hand."

 

"Don't get depressing on me now, Cy."

 

Cyrus bristled at the nickname, throwing a glare at Reed.

 

"Don't-"

 

"-call you that. Yeah, heard that the other gazillion times you told TJ."

 

"So what are you here for? Damage control? Am I supposed to keep my mouth shut about TJ? Keep his rep from being blemished? Should I tell everyone that he was the one who dumped me?" There was this sadness in Cyrus’ tone but the fake chuckle he threw towards him left Reed more confused.

 

_What was with this kid? Why did he act like he was okay? Why the hell couldn’t he just show how he felt?_

 

"If TJ gave a shit about his image, he'd be here instead of hiding under the football field bleachers."

 

"He's what?"

 

"Look Cyrus, I know I did some shit to you that you could never forgive. But why the fuck are you punishing TJ?"

 

"I’m _not_ punishing him. _Look Reed_ , this is not about you. Get out of your big head and leave me alone."

 

"Yeah, if you get back together with that idiot-"

 

"Is that what this is? Are you here to threaten me? If I don't get back together with him, what's gonna happen? Huh?"

 

"You wanna know what happened to my eye, right?!" Reed hissed, the juice box in his hand fizzed out as he crushed his fingers over the surface.

 

"TJ punched me after you left, punched me so hard that I woke up on the floor of his stupid cabin in the morning. Before he did though, he told me that he was done with our friendship! Can you believe he left a twelve year friendship for some- for _you_."

 

“Okay. So what do you want me to do about it-”

 

Reed ignored Cyrus as he continued. This had to be said, he couldn’t stand Cyrus but what he hated more was the fact that TJ was _not_ okay.

 

"He hasn't spoken to me since. Not a word. And he doesn't talk to any of us. He just goes to school and comes home, he's stopped playing basketball. Missed every practise since you guys broke up. He lays in bed all afternoon after school and all day on weekends. You thought he cared about his rep, he doesn't care. I painted him like that because I hated that he was interested in you, that he was going out with you."

 

"Why...why do you hate me?"

 

"I'll tell you when you both are together again-"

 

"We are not getting back-"

 

"Just hear me out and then decide, Judge Judy."

 

Cyrus’ nose flared but he nodded his head for Reed to continue.

 

"The day of the Shiva, I called up TJ to tell him I had an emergency, that he really needed to come and he came. I exploited his loyalty and his need to be a good friend. And when he showed up and found out it was a party, he was livid. You should've seen him talk about how he was gonna disappoint you, he was so scared to let you down and that made me angry. And then, I wouldn't let him leave. I even got his tires slashed. If he ever found out- it doesn't matter. He knows what I did now."

 

Cyrus was red in the face, he wondered if he could get away with kickboxing Reed on school property. He couldn't. Instead, he opened his mouth to tear into the jerk.

 

“I’m not finished.” Reed mumbled, shame falling across his face when he caught Cyrus’ expression.

 

“I made that bet with Lester because TJ expressed an interest in you and I needed someone to show him that you weren’t available. I told Kira to drag TJ away from you at the party. And when Kira asked if TJ wanted to and I quote “get out of here and go somewhere quiet” when she knew well enough that TJ was dating you...well, you saw what happened. My point is I did everything in my power to get you guys to separate. I was angry and jealous and I wanted to see you suffer. It was never his fault. I know TJ, he would never hurt you. He could never do any of this on purpose. And you need to give him a chance. Please…”

 

That’s when the first tear fell. Cyrus had been so good at keeping his emotions at bay. He didn’t wanna cry at school, _especially_ not in front of Reed. This would just turn into another joke.

 

“Doesn’t matter. He told me what he thought of me. You heard it loud and clear. He thinks, as Marty would put it, that I’m ‘just in it for the clout.’ He thinks I only care about who he is. He thinks I only care about limelight Kippen.” Cyrus sniffed as he pulled down his sleeves to wipe away the betraying tears. “But...but I only care about _Theo_. The him I know. Too bad, it's too late.”

 

“You know he just said that shit to you because he was angry. The words just got away from him. I don't wanna hear you say that this can't happen again. TJ needs you so get off your ass-

 

“ _Excuse_ me. You do not get to guilt trip me. You, of all people, should know that you have no right to tell me what I can and can’t do.” Cyrus said, his resolve back in his body, as he gathered up his lunch on his tray so he could get out of there before he broke down completely.

 

“Okay...I get it. You’re running away. That’s what you’re good at. Right, Goodman?” Reed said as he grabbed Cyrus’ wrist in an iron grip so he couldn’t leave.

 

“Let go, asshole.” Cyrus attempted to twist his arm out of Reed's grip, ready to empty out another water bottle over the dumbass' head.

 

“I will. _If_ you promise to look over this.” Reed said as he pulled out a sketchbook from his bag and set it down in front of Cyrus.

 

He recognized the navy blue sketchbook right away.

 

“I had to smuggle it out of TJ’s locker and I didn’t go through that risk and another possible beating just so you could leave without looking at it first.” Reed said, letting Cyrus go before he stood up. “Just look at it, please. In exchange, I’ll tell you why the hell I pulled this stupid shit.”

 

“No, you’re done avoiding that question. You tell me _now_ or I won’t even touch whatever this is.” Cyrus said, gesturing to the sketchbook as he crossed his arms and glared at Reed.

 

His hands shook from the yearning to look through TJ’s sketches. They made him so happy and he felt the withdrawal, a deep itch in his bones and the anxiety and the long restlessness that came with not being able to set his eyes on the shades and lines of TJ’s work. If TJ wanted to make any accusations, it should be the one about Cyrus only dating him because of his art. That was an overbearing reason. He was in love with TJ’s art and sometimes, he would watch the concentration in TJ’s eyes and the tender way he held his book and brushed his pencil over the paper and he would realize that really he was in love with watching TJ sketch and paint and do all the things he loved-

 

But he needed to know why Reed hated him so. Why he felt the need to ruin Cyrus’ life...

 

“Oh my god! You’re a nightmare.” Reed sighed as he sat back down. “November 2014, I was eleven and my father filed for divorce and married your mother.”

 

“What?” Cyrus felt the blood leave his body in one fell sweep. “What?”

 

“Bet Todd never told you about me, huh?” Reed said, a smirk carved his face but it fell off as he continued. “He ruined my life. He ruined my mom's life. My mom didn’t leave the house for months. We almost lost our house and it took me begging for my mom to finally get her shit together.”

 

“I didn’t kno-”

 

“Of course, you didn’t. You were too busy living a privileged life. Having two sets of parents when I hardly had a mom.” Reed sighed, rolling his eyes.

 

“I didn’t know, Reed. I’m sorry.”

 

Reed chuckled humorlessly, grabbing his backpack and standing up.

 

“Take this as truce. I’m no longer interested in burying you into the ground because turns out everytime I try hurting you, I end up hurting myself. Now I’ve lost the only person who stayed by my side through that whole fiasco. I didn’t win, Cyrus. _You_ did. And I need you to look at this and then -- and I won’t force you -- you make up your mind.” He tapped his finger down at the sketchbook on the table before walking off and out of the cafeteria.

 

Cyrus waited a moment, reeling in his emotions, and promising himself that he would make everything right. Maybe not for forever but for now. He took a deep breath, grabbing up TJ’s book and pulling it to his chest before standing up and exiting the cafeteria quickly.

 

He found a quiet corner of the library where no one could see or bother him and he pulled out the sketchbook, opening up to a page where a pencil had been fitted into the crook of the book as a placeholder. On the top of the page, he saw the familiar slip of stapled instructions.

 

_Sketch out someone you love or admire. Pay attention to details for full marks and provide a picture for evaluation. In a small paragraph, explain why you love/admire them. (20 marks)_

 

Cyrus could pinpoint exactly which scene TJ had sketched out. TJ had definitely shown Cyrus this one before. He had been in the library with Cyrus that day and it was one of their first dates. Cyrus had corrected TJ multiple times, saying it was a _study_ date because “TJ, you have to ace Polliwal’s Math test, so get studying."

 

In the image, Cyrus sat slumped in an armchair with his nose in a book. The sketch showed him holding his face up with a hand against his cheek and a smile on his face as he pretended to not look at the way TJ stuck out his tongue when he focused on getting every detail of Cyrus’ face right instead of studying for his test the next day.

 

Cyrus couldn’t help but smile down at the drawing, softly caressing the lines and eraser marks on the page. On the corner of the page, in TJ’s rough scrawl were the words ' _Explanation attached on the back of the page'_ and Cyrus had never turned a page so quickly in his curiosity. A sheet of paper was stapled at the back, printed black words typed out on the surface.

 

**_Why I love and admire Cyrus G.?_ **

 

**I read somewhere that if you have a chance to love, love someone who makes you whole, love someone who takes you for who you are but makes you better by doing nothing but being there for you. Cyrus is that someone.**

 

**I first saw Cyrus G. on the swings in middle school. He was a cute little bean, super shy and always running around with his best friends. I really wanted to be friends with him back then but I’d never really had a chance to. Freshman year of high school came around and I learned that Cyrus was a force to be reckoned with. Let me tell you when I say force, I mean an elemental fire so intense it could singe you if you stood too close. I was scared of him, scared to talk to him but not like he was a horror show but more like he was intimidating. He spoke his mind and did what he liked and he didn’t care about what anybody thought. Then he had his heart broken and I think I fell in love with the way he handled the situation. It wasn’t a crush anymore. It was pure love and admiration for Cyrus. This boy that I had thought was just a shy kid for the longest time pulled a stunt that could’ve ended poorly but actually ended in his favour because he pulled it with such vengeance that my heart left me for him.**

 

 **Now, I’m not saying I fell in love with Cy because he takes revenge or takes risks, I’m saying I fell in love with him because he stands up for what he knows is right. There’s moral justice in his eyes, he believes in fairness and he withstands every curve ball you throw at him. I know because I’ve watched as a friend of mine constantly tried to get under his skin but it was like Cy’s skin was made of an impenetrable steel. Maybe it was all a facade, maybe Cy wasn’t as strong as he let on and he just acted like everything was fine and dandy when inside he was breaking. I couldn’t tell anymore because he wore his stoicism like a mask and had an air of mystery that I could never push through. I’m good at reading people but I couldn’t read him and that bothered me. Then I talked to him and sometimes, I still can’t get around his walls. What I know is that when he loves, he loves unconditionally. When you obtain his loyalty, you can’t give it back like you can return a product at a store with a receipt, you have it forever. He easily forgives even though he doesn’t let you know he’s forgiven you. He looks you in the eyes when he talks to you and he tells you what he thinks. He smiles and laughs with his whole heart and his eyes get so soft when he looks at me even when he pretends nothing I say gets to him. He has difficulty taking compliments, he acts all humble and naive like he isn’t actually all the things I tell him he is like how beautiful he is and his strength and everything that makes him** **_him_** **. But I think what makes him special is that he’s not superficial or materialistic like most of the people I’ve been surrounded by for most of my life. He wants nothing from me, not my money or my high school fame or a piece of my future, he’s just there for my company. So when you ask me why I admire and love him, it’s kind of hard to word because there’s nothing not to admire, he’s incredible. He’s what I’ve been searching for for all my life. Can you believe a guy like me could get so lucky?**

 

_I just wanted a 500 word paragraph, Mr. Kippen. But Mr. Goodman is quite lucky to have your love and admiration. (100%) - Ms. C._

 

Cyrus muffled his voice under his hand as he cried, a broken sound leaving him still. He wanted to be home, laying in bed so he could let out the heart wrenching emotions that sat in his throat. He felt destroyed. What had he done? He told TJ that he hated him…

 

What

had

he

done?

 

There was a picture of him sticking his tongue out at the camera pinned on the next page and just underneath in TJ’s blocky scrawl were more words.

 

_I wanted to give this to you. So badly. Now I lost my chance and I don’t think I’ll ever be getting it back. So I guess there’s nothing wrong with writing out how I feel about you. Like in my voice and not a ‘neat’ voice like I would have to use for my assignment._

 

_Look Cyrus, I love you. So much. I think if it came down to it, I could take a bullet for you. You once told me if I was going to wax poetics that you wanted it to be on paper so I’m going to except I suck at poetry so-_

 

_I just need to tell you that you got me. You looked through all the layers I hid behind and you really understood who I really was. I’m no smart guy, I’m no player, I’m fake but you made me feel real. Does that make sense? Like just in your presence, I didn’t have to put up a front. You knew me for me. Like I didn’t have to put a napkin down on my lap for dinner around you. Or dress in my nicest clothes around you. Or have a perfect laugh, you heard me snort. I didn’t have to be a captain around you, I didn’t have to be a jock around you, I could be an artist around you. Hell, you gave me no labels and I can’t even begin to tell you how amazing that made me feel. Everyone knows me as TJ but you know me as Theo and you don’t know how nice it is to hear it in your voice. It’s like birds chirping in the wind and my favourite song in my ears. There I go getting poetic on you again._

 

 _You’ll never see this but I’m so sorry. I know Aunt Naomi meant a great deal to you and I really hurt you by not showing up that day. You were never a second choice, Cy._ Never _. You were my first choice even when I didn’t know you. Who do you think gave Reed the black eye after he harassed you relentlessly in middle school - hey, I know that sounds bad but you should’ve heard the words Reed said about you leading up to that punch. Anyways, that backfired because you got in trouble for it but that was never my intention. I’ve always wanted to protect you but sometimes I forget you don’t need anybody’s protection because like I’ve said before, you stand up for yourself and I wish I could stand by you now._

 

_I’m sorry. I love you._

 

He needed to get to TJ. _Now_.

 

He was running, his backpack and sweater left on a corner couch of the library, nothing but a navy blue sketchbook held firmly in his hand as his feet hit the ground in a loud patter. He stumbled through the library door and towards the nearest exit, looking around for a blonde head of hair and long limbs. _He needed to find TJ._

 

Everything felt so loud when he stepped out, running towards the football field. The loud drumming of his heart in his ears, the screeching of a whistle Coach Berry blew to herd in the football players practising on the field. The chirping of birds and the distant sounds of students having lunch outside-

 

There he was, right under the bleachers, a mop of dirty blonde peeking from below and then Cyrus was skidding on the slippery grass and hitting the ground with a thud in front of the bleachers. _Oh, great._

 

“Cyrus?” He heard TJ’s light voice and he pulled his head up from where his face had planted against the grass and he stood up hastily, brushing off the dirt and tsking at the grass stains on the knees of his jeans, when he caught sight of green eyes watching him.

 

“Theo.” He responded and he shouldn’t have been surprised by the look in TJ’s eyes, like he never expected Cyrus to call him by his _name_ ever again.

 

TJ pushed up off of the ground, crawling out from under the benches and towards Cyrus. He noticed the way Cyrus’ chest heaved and the flush of his cheeks and he quickened his steps.

 

“You ran here?” He asked, a brow raising of its own accord at the way Cyrus stood stock still waiting for TJ to get closer and that’s when TJ noticed it. Cyrus’ eyes were filled with unshed tears, the tip of his nose tinged red and his lips trembled like he was about to cry.

 

“What the hell did Reed do this time?” He asked, his hand curling up into a fist, ready to fight the bastard.

 

“No, No. He didn’t do anything. I needed to return something to you.” Cyrus whispered as he pulled the sketchbook away from the safety of his chest and TJ's eyes widened in both surprise and fear.

 

“Where’d you...get that?” TJ grabbed up the sketchbook opening it up to the pages that Cyrus had looked through. “ _Reed._ ”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Did you read…?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Cyrus, I-”

 

“ _Cy."_

 

“What?”

 

“Call me Cy.”

 

Then Cyrus was kissing him, clutching onto the fabric of TJ’s t-shirt and bringing him closer and TJ realized how much he missed the boy in front of him. He wrapped an arm around Cyrus’ waist and held him tighter.

 

Beginnings truly hid themselves in ends.                

 

 


End file.
